Order one the way you’d order a car. Tap a button. A horse arrives. You go about your day.
HorseOnTap began with a single idea: an app that lets you order a horse the way you’d order a car. Tap a button, a horse arrives, you go about your day. It was never meant to be a real product, so it was built like one anyway: a pricing model, a driver rating system, an ETA. That commitment, building the entire apparatus of a real company around something nobody asked for, turned out to be the whole method. Everything since has followed the same rule.
Every entry is a fully designed, fully functioning landing page for a company that should not exist, built with the complete institutional confidence of a real one: a working product page, a pricing table, an operations team, a regulatory history. Startups today already do most of the work of parodying themselves: funding rounds for marginal conveniences, entire companies built around one feature. HorseOnTap just points the same seriousness at things that are openly, cheerfully impossible, and lets the format carry the joke instead of a punchline.
Section 1. Every entry is built with the full confidence of a real company: a working product page, pricing, and where warranted, a complaint.
Section 2. No entry announces itself as a joke. The premise is argued, never explained.
Section 3. All figures cited are real, checked, and where possible, worse than the reader expected.
Section 4. Personnel, once introduced, persist. Gunnar does not retire between ventures.
Section 5. Rejection is public. Every submission receives a published letter regardless of outcome.
One person. Aware of this. Doing his best. Appears wherever infrastructure is quietly holding something together.
Operates the Schwerer Gustav. Maintains a log. Files it faithfully. Nobody asks to see it.
Five star reviewer of everything. Has never once tipped. Stands by this.
Has used every service listed here. Rates them all five stars. Does not appear to learn.
Reviewing your application. Has been reviewing it for some time. Please stop calling Gunnar.
HorseOnTap is a work of satire and entertainment. All companies, products, executives, customers, and regulatory bodies depicted on this site are fictional and created for comedic purposes. No investment opportunity, delivery service, cheese, or horse described herein is real, available, or endorsed.